La Cebolla: Colombia, land of the free

Some Republicans might consider emigrating and seeking a life more open to freedom away from BIG GOVERNMENT. Colombia’s a good option.

A satire piece on what could happen in Colombia after the US election results. Photo: Jon Tyson on Unsplash

With the electoral victory of Joe Biden returning the Democrats to power in the United States, it seems entirely plausible that a number of US patriots might consider leaving the country rather than live under a mildly less capitalist government. After all, patriotism means having the courage to flee high taxes.

These plucky warriors of freedom are simply too individualistic to be contained by the Deep State, and with the defeat of the Chief Trumpeter there’s nothing to stop the Dumbocrats from selfishly inflicting universal healthcare, fair policing and sensible drug policies on the country. Well, nothing except the underdog Senate led by McConnell, which has the limited power to democratically block everything they decide to. Still, cast your eyes far and wide at places where you don’t have to worry about the state.

If you think about it, these freedom junkies can easily escape the nanny state by living in Colombia. The state is weak even in the big cities and governmental control disappears entirely in large swathes of the country. Head west to the Chocó or areas of Cauca and you’ll be able to live away from prying eyes. Go unto the Llanos and live your very own Manifest Destiny, president of your very own chigüiro smallholding.

Tax evasion is commonplace and you can even skip sales taxes by buying from markets and street sellers. Of course, you’ll have to do your own checks regarding the safety of what you eat and the supply lines that bring it to you. Still, better to put money in the pockets of cartel leaders and unscrupulous producers rather than those meddling state bureaucrats. 

There’s little restriction on the God-given right to run a monopoly either, so you’ll have to rely on companies like Bavaria to provide high-quality products at a decent price. So-called ‘craft’ beer brewed for university snowflakes hardly gets a look-in, although finding a manufacturer to produce beer as poor as Budweiser will be a challenge.

You’ll have to live with vaccines for other people, even if you can probably avoid having to protect your own children with a few jabs. Colombia has a pretty good record of vaccination and takes it relatively seriously. There are other obstacles as well. Colombians are so freedom-loving that they sometimes allow women to have abortions and LGBTQ+ people to marry. That can be mitigated by simply moving to a place with judges who are machista enough to refuse to sign the paperwork. The state can’t make a judge follow the law, remember. That also applies to police, to the military and plenty more folk besides. FREEDOM!

Of course, there are some downsides of all this freedom to consider. You’ll need those guns, for a start. A lot of Colombians mean it when they say that “might makes right.” If you want to be away from state control, you’ll do well to be heavily armed. Without well-run state schools, education can be lacking in the populace around you. No proper state health service exists, so best get brushing up on your first aid skills or setting aside a heap of money for the things you can’t treat yourself (like cancer or rabies). Rubbish and squalor are likely to become issues, with limited pick ups run by a firm of vultures rather than a fairly priced subsidised system. You’re responsible for the roads around you, so it might be necessary to invest in a 4×4, made in Colombia, of course, to avoid import duties.

Related: La Cebolla

Work for yourself, because you sure as hell don’t want to be working for a basically unregulated feudal landlord who pays off the police and military to avoid paying workers correctly. You could organise, if you have a change of heart and go all castrochavista, but you might then find yourself swinging from a tree. Colombia remains in the world’s most dangerous ten countries for worker’s rights, remember. 

It might be hard to walk past dirt-poor people at first, but you’ll toughen up fast. Remember, you had all that money robbed off you by the government when you were growing up, and for what? Fire protection, NPR and infrastructure. Public schooling and a functioning police force. Count up all those stolen taxes through your life and technically you’re poorer than the family living in a shack.

Finally, remember not to talk politics. It turns out that many Colombians regard the consequences of a weak state as being somehow negative. These people seem to think that corruption, violence, and a lack of basic services are not prices worth paying to live on your feet not your knees. These mamerto snowflakes don’t realise that to respect people, you have to kill people.

Luckily, outside the big cities, there’s plenty of people that’ll agree with you. They’re the ones in the gated-off mansions that have a big heart logo outside. They also don’t want Colombia to turn into another Venezuela — or worse, another Sweden. All that efficient public transport, tolerance and equality? No, thank you!

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